Life Anew

Let me start by telling you a little about me and my life.  I have been married to my hubby for 13 years this August.  We have 4 crazy, energetic and dramatic kids.  3 girls and 1 boy, #1-girl: age 11, #2-girl: age 7, #3 girl: age 4, and my boy is 2.  I was a perfect mom until I had kids! LOL! And with my first, I was still pretty good.  She was a sweet, and for the most part, obedient, little thing.  I almost never yelled.  I definitely never spanked and I was still able to talk to her in the positive (something I learned in school, where you tell them what to do, instead of what not to do.)  Then I had my second child...my hard, stubborn, frustrating, beautiful, sweet, loving child.  She has been my challenge and I don't know that this will ever change.  I grew up in a house full of yelling.  Everything we did was wrong and we got yelled at big time.  I have tried so desperately to not be my mother.  I love her, but I don't want my kids growing up like I did.  Here's the kicker, with each new child I have become more and more like her.  

One day (a few weeks ago) I found THIS blog on Pinterest.  The pin was titled 10 things I learned with I stopped yelling at my kids.  Her #1 hit me right in the stomach, and I realized that all of my problems stem from yelling:  "1. Yelling isn’t the only thing I haven’t done in a year (399 days to be exact!)
I also haven’t gone to bed with a gut-wrenching pit in my stomach because I felt like the worst mom ever. I haven’t bawled to my husband that I yelled again and again. And I haven’t heard my sons scream, “You’re the meanest, worstest, mommy in the whole world, I don’t love you anymore!” Yep, I learned real quickly that there are upsides to not yelling!"

I have self esteem issues, and I feel like I'm failing as a mother.  Worst of all I don't feel as close to The Lord as I would like, or as I used to.  And why not?  Because I yell.  There, I said it.  I yell at my kids.  All the time.  I yell when they are being naughty.  I yell when they are too loud.  I yell when they are just being kids and mean well, but make my job harder (ie: making messes.)  It's awful.  I feel awful and my kids sure don't like it.  My oldest is starting to sound just like me (it's scary to see yourself in your children) and #2 tunes it out so that she just doesn't listen to a darn thing I say, like ever.  

Aside from all of this, I have many personal goals.  As I read through her blog and as I've prayed, I feel like learning not to yell is the key to every single goal I have.  As I go along I'll be blogging about my other goals as well, but the one I am going to focus on the most is my goal of not yelling.  I am now an Orange Rhino, just like the girl from the blog that has been so much inspiration.  And here is where my story begins.  Today is day 1 and so far I'm doing great.  I know this will be a hard journey, and I may have to start over, but I'm going to take 1 day at a time.

"Rhinos are tenacious and vigorous animals who are naturally peaceful, but display aggressive behavior when provoked.

Wow. That’s me alright, minus the vigorous piece. I definitely don’t have the mental strength or energy. If I did, I wouldn’t let myself charge with my “words” so frequently!  I am totally a Rhino. But I don’t want to be aggressive; I want to lose that and gain the vigorous part. I need more warmth and energy. Clearly, I need a little more of the color Orange in my life especially since it also conjures up feelings of determination which I am most definitely going to need more of in order to conquer this challenge.

So there you have it. I want to be The Orange Rhino.

I want to be a mom who has the energy and determination to forge ahead and parent with more composure and warmth and without the yelling!"